Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations
by Muhammad Ibn Adam al Kawthari
"Surely Allah is not shy of (expounding) the Truth". (The
Holy Qur'an 33:53)
The universal message and teaching of the Seal of
Prophethood contains everything you need to know if you only know
how to ask. While the Dark Ages in Europe found people engaged in
debate about whether a woman had a soul or not; chastity belts were
the order of the day and Puritanism in its most horrible form was
practiced, Muslims were enjoying full freedom in expression of their
sexuality, and harmony within the family structure; based on the
teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad.
Nowadays, it seems that things are topsy-turvy and Muslims have
forgotten or 'covered up' a major portion of their teaching, turning
the clock backwards. Many Muslims have become puritanistic and prudish
and deviated from the beautiful teaching of the greatest human being
and Prophet of Allah to walk upon this earth. It is about time that
this topic, which is the key to our existence and harmony, is understood
in its proper and holistic context, like everything else in life.
This book is a modest effort towards the exposition of this particular
spiritual teaching. We give thanks to our Beloved Allah for providing
such a book. May Allah bless the author and everyone who is connected
with such a necessary resource for all Muslims, young and 'not so
young'. Wa ma tawfiq illa billah. And there is no success except
by Allah. "And (Allah) has imposed no difficulties on you in
religion". (The Pilgrimage 18:73).
Murshid F. A. Ali ElSenossi
From the Introduction by the Author
In the Name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. All praise
is for Allah Most High, Lord of the worlds. And may peace and blessings
be upon His beloved Messenger Muhammad
, a Mercy to the worlds, and
upon his entire family, his Companions and the righteous ones who
follow in their footsteps until the Day of Judgment.
In answering questions from the public over the past five years
or so, I have come across many individuals who desire to know the
Islamic ruling on matters of sexual intimacy between spouses. Aided
by the relative anonymity of email as a medium of communication,
questioners have opened up and began to pose frank questions courageously
without being shy and without the fear of being humiliated.
The prevalence and variety of these questions led me to keep records
of them, and it quickly became evident that many Muslims are unaware
of the Islamic laws and etiquettes pertaining to sexual relations.
Many desire to live their conjugal lives in harmony with Islamic
teachings and have a genuine inclination to learn, but are prevented
by the embarrassment of asking a scholar directly. I realised that
there is real need for a comprehensive work on the subject if Muslims
are to live their lives in conformity with the teachings of the
Qur'an and Sunnah. Owing to this great need, and the significance
of the issue for married couples, I began preparing a detailed and
comprehensive work - often referring to the notes taken of the questions
posed to me - the result of which is in your hands, Alhamdulillah.
This book approaches the issue of sexual relations head on to apprise
married couples of the teachings of Allah Most High and His·
on this subject, allowing them to enjoy
their union while receiving divine reward in doing so. What are
the correct intentions behind sexual relations? What are couples
allowed to do and what must they avoid? How does one prepare for
sexual relations? What are the rules and etiquettes of foreplay,
sex itself and the moments after sex? What is the ideal way of spending
the first night of marriage? These are just a few of the questions
answered in this book. In addition, many modern issues such as bondage,
cross-dressing, using sex aids, watching pornography, oral sex and
phone sex will be discussed exhaustively in light of the teachings
of the Qur'an, Sunnah, reference works from the four Sunni Schools
of Islamic law, and other works of classical and contemporary scholars.
A healthy sexual relationship is absolutely vital in marriage. Scholars
today generally agree that one of the primary reasons for failed
marriages is failed sexual lives. The root cause of marital discord
is often sexual dissatisfaction, with problems in the bedroom often
leading to unhappiness, frustration, and, at times, even divorce.
Among the objectives of marriage is to satisfy one's sexual needs
in a lawful manner, and if either spouse is unfulfilled, the temptation
to look elsewhere can become overwhelming. Often, a spouse will
refuse to engage in a form of sexual activity, mistakenly believing
it to be unlawful, which could easily sour their relationship. With
some basic education on the subject, it is possible to have a healthy
sexual life and avoid marital conflict.
The Companions did not shy away from asking the Messenger of Allah
questions of a sexual nature and, remarkably, women also felt able
to ask these types of questions without any reluctance or being
ashamed of such enquiry. It is clear, then, that there is nothing
wrong in discussing this subject for instructional purposes, as
long as it is done with decency. In fact, it is a mistake to shy
away from the teachings of Allah Most High and the Messenger
even those regarding sexual matters.
Modesty is, without doubt, a fundamental element of our religion,
but when it comes to religious matters it should not prevent one
from learning. In the modern world, questions of sexuality are openly
discussed, often indecently; why then should we feel ashamed of
learning the pure and decent teachings of lslam on this subject?
Those who feel that the contents of this book are overly explicit
should keep in mind the words of Allah Most High, His Messenger
and the Companions, "Surely, Allah is not shy of [expounding]
the truth" (Qur'an 33:53, (Sahih al Bukhari 130 Sunan Ibn Majah